dioralop

i’m rebelling against spelling 

and all things that have rhyme or reason

because if you think about it, it’s just like treason-

the three or four letters strung together 

with consonants and vowels

and inaudible howls 

of those forgotten and dismissed

that wish to kiss the clenched fist of fate,

and think of all those wonders that don’t give a damn

to be a golden one and show who’s won 

in these games of title and power

i am one that doesn’t care

that won’t spare

themselves for anything, 

that won’t claim to be what’s not

that will fight for all that’s lost

in any way and with any cost

so i’m out. 

i’m done. 

throw my towel in, the fat lady has sung. 

i can’t do more

and you already know the score

of every game lost and won. 

but count me out, 

please

i’m done. 

i can’t play those games no more

because really, 

what good is it for? 

question:

is anyone else having a difficult time with life right now or is it just me? 

everyone is trying their best

but let’s be honest, everyone is struggling.

i recently moved from Los Angeles where i produced a few projects, was acting, and living that struggling artist dream to Orlando where i am living with my mom, working in a BBQ restaurant, and crying a lot. and in the sake of honesty, i mean, i was crying A LOT. 

everything in my life has not worked out the way i had intended. 

part of the reason i moved back to Orlando was because i found out that my parents were getting divorced after 36 years of marriage. and to make matters worse, they were living under the same roof for a while until my dad could move things to their other property in South Carolina. AND to make matters even WORSE, when i first got home we were all living together for about a month. my divorcing parents and their mid-20s daughter all eating dinner together. yup. 

and i can bet my parents’ lives are not working out in the way they had intended. 

which brings me to my point:

STOP. 

stop trying to navigate your life! 

(and i am mostly speaking to myself, please don’t think i am trying to tell you what to do with your life.)

live and let go. but really LIVE. that’s the key.

i’ve made so many mistakes in my life but at this very moment i can’t say that i regret anything. 

i left my life in LA. drove cross country with my dog. moved in with my divorcing parents. got a job. quit the job. and now i’m here. 

free. 

i don’t have very much money but i have a lot of ideas, dreams, passion and motivation. 

when i quit my job people asked me “what are you going to do?!” “do you have another job?” 

no idea what i am going to do. and no, i do not have another full time job. i do have a job lined up in LA for two weeks exactly a month from now. 

i’ll figure it out as i go along. i think if i am going to fail, i need to fail big. i am throwing all of my creative endeavors up in the air to see what (if anything) sticks. 

i may not be in the physical place that i want but i am going to make the most of it. i need to. or else i will end up sleeping and crying all day like i was before. i can’t do that. it’s too exhausting being sad. 

i am determined to make this month the most creative and motivating month i have ever lived. 

i am dedicating all i have to my creative endeavors in hopes that they will carry me where i need to go.

my yoga instructor said this morning “make your mind know you can.”  i am making my mind know that i WILL.

and if i am already struggling i might as well be struggling towards something i want in my life. 

wish me luck!